Saturday, January 2, 2016

I've changed, but I'm back!

Hello to the blogging world again.

You cant imagine how weird this is to be back on my blog.
I just checked on many of the blogs I've been following and Gosh, you guys have changed to much.
Not like I haven't haha, I feel kind of bad for you guys that you'll have to put up with me again. XD

But I'm back. And hopefully, back to stay.

Its been 10 months sense I left.
I left February 13th, 2015

And I cant tell you how long and hard the first few months were for me.
So I'm gonna try to fill you in on what has happened in my life and what has changed.

Okay. Lets start the day after I left.
I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family. I hated everything.
I fell into super deep depression. I locked my door, left the light off, closed my shades and laid on my bed and stared at the wall for 30 days.

Why had this happened to me? Why was I so miserable? Why would my parents do this to me?
Where were all my friends? Oh, they were all still blogging.
Where was my life? On my computer.
Where was my happiness? in hell.
Everything in my life revolved around my blog. Even my happiness.
So when it got taken away, I had nothing to live for. 
No reason to keep going and pushing though life.
After a month of depression, My parents finally agreed to let me do a sport.
And obviously, I chose gymnastics.
I'd been teaching myself for a few years.

So I started taking a beginner class once a week. I started becoming happier the more I did gymnastics.
I took that beginner class for a few months and I loved it. 
So when my beginner couch told me that her coach told her that she wanted me to compeat on their high school team, I was so excited.

So I started going twice a week for longer training times.
It was going good. 
Except for one thing. 
My coach.
At first she didn't bother me. She was just a little strict.
But the more I went, she started yelling and me, and actually being mean.
She would push me too hard in ways that I physically couldn't.
Messing up wasn't a option.
I was holding on to the last thread about 5 months ago when I was at my last class.
I did something wrong and hurt myself.
She yelled at me and told me to do 100 pushups.
I went out of the gym into the bathroom and cried.
I wasn't an emotional person, and I'm still not, but I hated this.
I walked back into the gym to do my 100 push ups, and this is what my coach says.
"You do not leave this gym. You cant just go out and cry. You're either on this team, or your not!"
She yelled this at me.
That was the last thread.
The only reason I was still there was because I had loved gymnastics so much, and I didn't want to let my stupid coach ruin it.
But she did.
I wanted to scream in her face and tell her I hated her. That she had no right to tell me that.
That I was done putting up with her. 
And I would have to if I had had a phone to call my mom so she could bring me home.
But I didn't at this time.
So I bit my tongue and between clinched teeth told her I was "on her team".
I quite that night.

I had it sort of rough for a while after that.
Because blogging is what made me happy.
So when I was forced to leave. I was depressed.
Gymnastics made me happy. 
So when I was being pushed so hard that I was terrified to go to practice everyday. My happiness drained again.
I didn't have any close friends in real life.
And when your depressed, the best thing to have is friends who care about you.
I knew I had them online, but I was stuck in the real world with no one who cared.
I'm not quite sure when I started becoming happy again, but I'm pretty sure it was when I started making friends.
I realized that even though my online friends were important, that you need people in real life too.

But, I still wasn't completely happy.
One day I was texting a friend. He told me that I was super loud, and that I had scared this guy that I had liked away from me because I act.
Now I had asked this friend to tell me what he honestly thought, so done think he was being mean to me.
That hit me to hard though.
I fell on my face in my bedroom and bawled and screamed because I hated who I was.

People hated who I was. How I acted, My personality. And so did I.
I couldn't take who I was anymore.

Something happened that night.
It didn't happen fast, but it happened. And, its still happening.
I felt true happiness for the first time in years.
It wasn't the kind you have for a minute then it fades but into depression.
This was genuine happiness.

Now I'm not saying that I'm completely happy, Because I'm not.
I struggle a lot still with depression.
But I've realized something.
When I felt like I had no purpose to live, There was something I was missing.
I was missing hope.

If you don't have something that brings you true happiness, something that keeps you going in the end, you have nothing to live for.

If your happiness is in this moment and depends on others than your gonna be miserable.

I've changed a lot, Haha, and you will all find out shortly.
But I'm proud of who I'm becoming and who I am.

And the happiness I have is un-replaceable and priceless.



I'm back!! 
And I couldn't be happier.

Thank you to all the people who, even after I left, still came back and commented on my goodbye post telling me that they hadn't forgotten me.
That was the best thing to come back too.

I'm so excited to be able to talk with you all again cause its been....Haha way to long. ^-^

One more thing, 
My parents had told me that I could post a picture of myself before I left. 
But I didn't because I was scared of what people would think.

But I decided that now would be a good time to post some. XD

And currently I'm 14 and a half.

I'm posting this on both my both my blogs, just so you know. =)

Love you all so much!

I'll try to get some posts up soon!!   



  1. I already commented on your other blog, so I won't comment again on this blog! :)

  2. OH MY GOD RY.
    OH MY GOD.
    First of all, you're so freaking pretty like what the heck how even.
    OH MY GOD.
    Oh my god, darling, you're so incredibly sweet and talented and I was so worried/scared for you, and now you're back and things are getting better and I honestly couldn't be happier for you. I'm actually total crap when it comes to saying things in this sort of situation, but just know I'm so incredibly happy, and I'll be here to support you no matter what, and you can always talk to me about anything if need be. <3
    (Also, you will be very happy to hear I have gotten into Fall Out Boy (I sit on my bed with a fedora next to me right this second; I bought it a couple weeks ago.) My favorite albums are Save Rock and Roll and Infinity on High.)

    - Ellie <3

    1. ELLIE!!!!!!!
      Haha, thanks. XD Ah, thank you so much. I'm so glad to be back and be able to talk to you again.
      Haha congrats!
      So happy to be back. =)

  3. 1.) i am so sorry you struggled with severe depression, i know it's hard band i am so, so proud of you for staying strong. <3 you //should// be proud of who you are, for you're a wonderful wonderful girl and have a lot to be proud of. :}
    2.) i know you already know this but i am sO happy to have to back here, there wasn't a day that you didn't cross my mind. ^-^

    welcome back, rylee. <3

    1. 1. Thanks Maddie. <3
      2. Eh, im so happy to be back. Missed you so much.
      3. AH, haha thanks! ^-^

  4. Wow. I'm so sorry that you went through all of that. You're a very strong person, and I'm really glad that you found hope. I just came back after a long hiatus from blogging as well, and it is great to see that you are back too! are so beautiful! You legitimately look like a model!!

    ~ Mint

    1. Its okay, Its helped me see life a lot different (In a good way) Going though some tough stuff.
      Aw, HAHA theres no way but thanks!! <3

  5. I'm so glad you're back-I've missed your beautiful photos and unique personality. Keep going strong. <3


    also you're really pretty ❤

    i'm sorry you've dealt with depression. i've watched my mom struggle with it and i know how hard it is.

    and i just wanted to know if you think i've changed (i mean i know you only read my blog for about a month but whatever).

    i can't wait to talk to you


    1. Its okay, It helped me a lot to realize who I was. ^_^
      Same. =)

  7. I'm so glad you're back Rylee!
    I'm glad you've been able to discover what really makes you happy. <3
    The pictures of you are beautiful. :)

    1. Its so awesome to be back!
      Aw thanks Ginny! <3

  8. You're freaking GORGEOUS girl. I can't even.
    I'm so glad that you're back.

    1. Aw, haha thank you, Leah!!
      I'm so glad to be back.<3

  9. Welcome back!!!!
    I'm so sorry that all happened to you, but I'm glad you found something that makes you happy.
    - Zoë

  10. aww i'm literally so happy that you're back <33 i'm like so freakin happy right now.
    also, you are gorgeous, girl. you go ♡
    i think you're a amazing warrior, ry. stand strong and know i'm thinking about you.

    1. Aw thank you so much. <333 Eh so am I! ^-^

  11. I am so glad you're back, Rylee. I am so sorry you struggled with depression, but trials in our life help us become stronger people.:) You are beautiful, seriously.:)

    1. I'm so glad to be back. ^-^ Truth. Thanks Emma!

  12. I still can't believe you're back, wow hello, long time no see
    I'm so sorry the last few months have been rough for you, but I'm so glad you're feeling better and that everything is gradually turning around for you, and I'm so very happy you're back, it's been far too long.
    I can't wait to see all your new posts. The last few months I've missed all of your comments and posts and just...everything, really, and I'm so happy you're back, you have no idea.

    1. Yeah, but its really helped me to see life a lot differently, in a good way.
      Aw, haha thanks Kels. I've missed all yours too, like seriously not talking to you for that long was terrible.
      I'm so glad to be back. ^-^

  13. RYLEE!
    oh its so good to have you back, was it really 10 months it felt sooo long!
    I'm so so sorry you had to go through that! I hope and pray everything looks up from here. Like everyone I'm sure I've missed you terribly! It's so good to have you back though!
    Hope to see you round, I need to tell you about NZ!

    1. EVIE!!!!
      Its so good to be back!! Aw thanks <33
      Haha, yes you do!!!

  14. YAAAASSSS RYLEE YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!! I have missed seeing your posts on SBATD!!! :)
    P.S. You are sooo pretty!!!

    1. Aw, thanks Marissa, I missed you too! :D
      Haha, thanks. <3

  15. Wow..I can't even..I mean girl you've technically survived depression and that shows how strong, beautiful and awesome you are! I've only just found this blog and now I feel like I've known you long enough to say; Everything's gonna be okay because we're here for you :)
    I'm glad you're back :)
    BTW-I've always wanted to do gymnastics and I still really want to, this year I'm hoping to get a job to pay for gymnastics (my mom doesn't have the money)

  16. Okay, I had a longer comment that got lost due to clicking the wrong button. Time for a rewrite.

    Wonderful - beautiful photo shoot!

    It's been a tough year for you. I am very proud of what you learned, but sad in the way it came about. Depression is nasty.

    I hope you have made some good in-person friends over the year. They are needed for those times when typed words can't reach you. Never underestimate the power of face-to-face friends. Your online friends are still here too.

    Welcome back! Stay true to you.

  17. WOW you are so pretty! I'm sorry to hear that you went through depression but you are really strong and you know it so keep going! We'll support you.

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