I've changed, but I'm back!

Hello to the blogging world again.

You cant imagine how weird this is to be back on my blog.

I just checked on many of the blogs I've been following and Gosh, you guys have changed to much.

Not like I haven't haha, I feel kind of bad for you guys that you'll have to put up with me again. XD

But I'm back. And hopefully, back to stay.

Its been 10 months sense I left.

I left February 13th, 2015

And I cant tell you how long and hard the first few months were for me.

So I'm gonna try to fill you in on what has happened in my life and what has changed.

Okay. Lets start the day after I left.

~

I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family. I hated everything.

I fell into super deep depression. I locked my door, left the light off, closed my shades and laid on my bed and stared at the wall for 30 days.

Why had this happened to me? Why was I so miserable? Why would my parents do this to me?

Where were all my friends? Oh, they were all still blogging.

Where was my life? On my computer.

Where was my happiness? in hell.

Everything in my life revolved around my blog. Even my happiness.

So when it got taken away, I had nothing to live for. 

No reason to keep going and pushing though life.

After a month of depression, My parents finally agreed to let me do a sport.

And obviously, I chose gymnastics.

I'd been teaching myself for a few years.

So I started taking a beginner class once a week. I started becoming happier the more I did gymnastics.

I took that beginner class for a few months and I loved it. 

So when my beginner couch told me that her coach told her that she wanted me to compeat on their high school team, I was so excited.

So I started going twice a week for longer training times.

It was going good. 

Except for one thing. 

My coach.

At first she didn't bother me. She was just a little strict.

But the more I went, she started yelling and me, and actually being mean.

She would push me too hard in ways that I physically couldn't.

Messing up wasn't a option.

I was holding on to the last thread about 5 months ago when I was at my last class.

I did something wrong and hurt myself.

She yelled at me and told me to do 100 pushups.

I went out of the gym into the bathroom and cried.

I wasn't an emotional person, and I'm still not, but I hated this.

I walked back into the gym to do my 100 push ups, and this is what my coach says.

"You do not leave this gym. You cant just go out and cry. You're either on this team, or your not!"

She yelled this at me.
That was the last thread.
The only reason I was still there was because I had loved gymnastics so much, and I didn't want to let my stupid coach ruin it.
But she did.

I wanted to scream in her face and tell her I hated her. That she had no right to tell me that.

That I was done putting up with her. 

And I would have to if I had had a phone to call my mom so she could bring me home.

But I didn't at this time.

So I bit my tongue and between clinched teeth told her I was "on her team".

I quite that night.

I had it sort of rough for a while after that.

Because blogging is what made me happy.

So when I was forced to leave. I was depressed.

Gymnastics made me happy. 

So when I was being pushed so hard that I was terrified to go to practice everyday. My happiness drained again.

I didn't have any close friends in real life.

And when your depressed, the best thing to have is friends who care about you.

I knew I had them online, but I was stuck in the real world with no one who cared.

I'm not quite sure when I started becoming happy again, but I'm pretty sure it was when I started making friends.

I realized that even though my online friends were important, that you need people in real life too.

But, I still wasn't completely happy.

One day I was texting a friend. He told me that I was super loud, and that I had scared this guy that I had liked away from me because I act.
Now I had asked this friend to tell me what he honestly thought, so done think he was being mean to me.

That hit me to hard though.

I fell on my face in my bedroom and bawled and screamed because I hated who I was.

People hated who I was. How I acted, My personality. And so did I.

I couldn't take who I was anymore.

Something happened that night.

It didn't happen fast, but it happened. And, its still happening.

I felt true happiness for the first time in years.

It wasn't the kind you have for a minute then it fades but into depression.

This was genuine happiness.

Now I'm not saying that I'm completely happy, Because I'm not.

I struggle a lot still with depression.

But I've realized something.

When I felt like I had no purpose to live, There was something I was missing.

I was missing hope.

If you don't have something that brings you true happiness, something that keeps you going in the end, you have nothing to live for.

If your happiness is in this moment and depends on others than your gonna be miserable.

I've changed a lot, Haha, and you will all find out shortly.

But I'm proud of who I'm becoming and who I am.

And the happiness I have is un-replaceable and priceless.

~

SO

I'm back!! 

And I couldn't be happier.

Thank you to all the people who, even after I left, still came back and commented on my goodbye post telling me that they hadn't forgotten me.

That was the best thing to come back too.

I'm so excited to be able to talk with you all again cause its been....Haha way to long. ^-^

One more thing, 

My parents had told me that I could post a picture of myself before I left. 

But I didn't because I was scared of what people would think.

But I decided that now would be a good time to post some. XD

And currently I'm 14 and a half.

I'm posting this on both my both my blogs, just so you know. =)

Love you all so much!

I'll try to get some posts up soon!!  ♥ 

~Ry